Monday, July 13, 2015
4:45 PM

When I became a christian at the age of 16, I was very eager to do many things for the Lord. My bible study teacher told me that God will let us go through trials before He could use us for His purposes. So my prayers everyday was "Lord,  give me trials." I thought I could proved to God that I will stand firm in whatever trials he gave me. I was ignorant, foolish and proud.

I remember I onced went up to the altar of the church and asked for prayer. I told the pastor I want to preach the gospel to the unsaved. He said in a rebuking tone, "you do not preach the gospel, you share the gospel".

At the age of 17, I had a spiritual experience. One night while lying on the mattress preparing to sleep, a spirit entered into my body and I could felt that it was moving up to my head and then down to my feet and then up again. I felt the discomfort tickling in my ears as it moved in every parts of my body. I couldn't moved and I tried very hard to pray but I could not speak a word. After much struggles and prayers, I saw with my own eyes a dark spirit came out gradually from the back of my body.
After it completely left my body, immediately I was able to move and I quickly turned to look behind but I saw nothing, except my grandma sleeping beside me.

Few months later, the test came and i was faced with temptation but I failed and backslidded from God.

My dreams were shattered and my zeal for God was killed by my disappointment, I was disappointed of myself. I lived a sinful lifestyle and was involved in lustful activities. I knew this was not how God wanted me to live but I couldnt get out of it. I was very helpless. I felt dirty, ugly and worthless. I thought I could no longer stand before a God who is so holy and righteous. I had failed Him and I was no longer worthy for Him.

Several times, the thought of ending my life came into mind. But every time I was being reminded that my purpose of existing was to uphold the truth. If I end my life, I will not fulfill the purpose God could have given to me. I told God, " now I know I am a sinner and there is nothing worthy in me. I would rather live in pain and suffer the consequences of my sins and wait for my deliverance, than to die in shame."

I waited and waited until one day God  stirred up my heart with great courage to return to Him. I remember the night when I decided to return to him, it was a long & difficult night, I could felt the dark forces surrounding me and inputting fears in me when I was sitting on my bed. I felt very lonely but I knew I just had to endure until the morning came.

God has bring me to a journey of healing and restoration. It is a long journey but one worth taking. Coming out of the power of darkness and enter into the light is not an easy path, but Jesus is the Light that leads us to the right path. We have to keep believing and press on and never give up. Hold on there when you feel lonely, discourage and disappointed, wait for God quietly.

NLT version
Lamentation chap 3 Verse 19-33
Best describe the cry of my heart:

The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time,
As I grieve over my loss.
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
His mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, "the Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"
The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age to the yoke of his discipline:
Let them sit alone in silence beneath the Lord's demands.
Let them lie face down in the dust, for there may be hope at last.
Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them and accept the insults of their enemies.
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.

/lam.3.19-33.nkjv Remember my affliction and roaming, The wormwood and the gall. My soul still remembers And sinks within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. Through the Lord 's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They  are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord  is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" The Lord  is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. It  is good that one should hope and wait quietly For the salvation of the Lord . It  is good for a man to bear The yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone and keep silent, Because God has laid it on him; Let him put his mouth in the dust— There may yet be hope. Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him, And be full of reproach. For the Lord will not cast off forever. Though He causes grief, Yet He will show compassion According to the multitude of His mercies. For He does not afflict willingly, Nor grieve the children of men.